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I received one of my first relationship ultimatums from a guy I met online at Loveawake dating site who wasn’t even my boyfriend. Go figure.

[Note: Let me just say first that ultimatums are often prophetic of a situation that is doomed to fail regardless of what you think you have to do in order to fix it.]

He was what I thought was a good friend who incidentally, wanted to become more than just a good friend. So he delivered to me what essentially amounted to a set of stern demands- that I agree to go out with him and declare it in-signed-blood with matching tattoos, the whole boyfriend/girlfriend shindig, or he can no longer hang out with me and be my “friend”.

I had to decide on going out with someone I wouldn’t dare to in a million years or risk losing a “friend” who was instituting pressure in a cooker-sterilization type device; a situation of which I’d rather die than be in. I gladly chose doing without him without even giving it a second thought- especially since he had to act like what reminded me of my daddy telling me at 5-years old to wipe my dirty shoes on the doormat before I stepped foot through the door.

Funny thing is I told him, “Don’t give me ultimatums. That isn’t going to work for me.” And his dumb ass made fun of the word “ultimatum” and made fun of me being 14-years old and using it. He didn’t know what the word meant and he insisted I borrowed it from his favorite TV show.

I believe that was the last conversation I ever had with him following me telling him “no” and to go find some moist sand to pound his dick through. I’d had enough. Little did he know his method of choice made it real easy for me not to choose him.

A lot of people want to apply this illogical exercise of authority in their relationships under the belief that it will actually work in their favor. In truth, I can’t recall a single time I’ve ever heard that it did. And if it had, it was very short-lived. The relationship, that is.

Relationship ultimatums are delivered in a number of ways:

• The standard “pick them or pick me”.
• The “I want to upgrade from a f*ck buddy to a boyfriend/girlfriend or I’m calling it off.”
• The “I want a ring on my finger by the end of the year or I’m walking out.”
• The “You have to choose the career/lifestyle/blah blah blah or me. But you can’t have both.”
• The “You are going to have to get X, Y, Z together before I’ll take it to the next level”.

As you can see, the ultimatum is exploited in many ways. And the reasons an ultimatum is exploited is because it is an end resort type means of getting someone to do something you already inherently know they just aren’t willing to.

However, if you want to deliver an ultimatum and you actually want it to be effective, here’s how:

Refuse Any Second-Rate Arrangement BEFOREHAND

I’ve never been known much to be a “spill the milk now and cry about it for weeks on end later” type of person. I know what my limitations and boundaries are, and if I expect to remain in an “authoritative” position upon which respect is a given, I don’t get caught up in the bullshit that leaves me standing naked and open for negotiation (negation).

When you lay the gavel on the table and refuse to settle for what you know you will later deem as “not enough” or insufficient, there is no room for the other person to plead lesser terms.

Think about it- when the rent is due, does the landlord suddenly at time of payment say, “You know, I think I’ll reduce rent by $200 this month because I want to be nice and make it easier on you“? No! Why should you treat yourself and the things that are important to you any differently?

Tell people what you want from the get-go and that you refuse accept anything less than what you know you deserve. Unless you won’t mind at some point being on the floor licking the milk YOU SPILLED off of their shoes.

Don’t Deliver Any Ultimatums At All

If someone is not fulfilling their end of the deal, leave. Get up. Walk out. Cut. Get tired. Take a stand and live according to your needs, not according to theirs. Put their needs on the backburner because clearly, that’s exactly what they’ve done with yours haven’t they?

Let’s face it, some people don’t live up to what they claim they stand for. You get to know someone after a while and they show you their true colors the way an orangutan launches his rear end in the air for all the world to see. By then, it becomes neither here nor there when you arrive at the point where you need to get the horse to buck before it’ll budge.

If he doesn’t want to marry you, find someone else who will. If he doesn’t want to take it to the next level, stop letting him take you for a joyride on his sack-and-saddle. Simple as that. Put what you need above all the bullshit you believe you have to put up with in order to get it. Foul judgement is indicative not only of naivety, but of zero self-respect – two stances upon which low-life scumsuckers live to take full advantage.

People who know and succeed in getting what they want have no trouble requiring certain things from other people. And they do so without having to make pseudo-demands in the form of ultimatums. When you act strictly on principle, you don’t need to make threats.

Don’t Try Being What You Think the Person Wants – Be Who You Are and They Can Go Eff Themselves If They Can’t Hang

It’s tempting to want to “please” the other person into giving into our demands. If we feel we have to try hard to please people in order to keep them, there isn’t much of a relationship there to begin with – honest relationships are about giving what we have to offer, not faking something we know we don’t have nor will never have to give.

If he won’t marry me I’ll bring him his robe, slippers and newspaper in my mouth every single day, until he does.

If he won’t agree to make me his girlfriend now, I’ll give him mind-blowing sex, until he does.

If he won’t get over his ex for me, I’ll try my best to be like her and wait it out like a fool, until he does.

People, and especially men nonetheless, don’t want nor respect a woman who recycles the same kind of dog crap he’s dished out in past relationships that caused them to fail. He needs to learn something new, something fresh, see something he’s never seen in his entire life.

You do that by being you OUTSIDE of your “necessity” for him. By saying no when you mean it and by calling him out when he does something you won’t stand for. A lot of women think that in being firm, she will push the man away. They got it all wrong.

Don’t be who you think he wants, be who you want- the woman who knows what she wants out of the man SHE wants. And he’ll either take it or leave it. And if he leaves, there are 10 more out there who will be happy to take his place.

Ultimatums are often the last resort in a relationship that’s running at or below empty firing off on 7 cylinders instead of 8. And ultimatums are the stomping of the feet, the throwing of the tantrum, and a passive empty plea to get something out of someone WE ALREADY KNOW is never going to give it.

If you want an ultimatum to work, never be put in the position of having to give one in the first place -don’t go back on your word, don’t bet all your chips on an empty hand, and don’t place expectations on people who don’t value you or your needs enough to honor and respect them.

In other words, leave your ultimatums at the door, unless you don’t mind it slammed shut in your face.